2/4/2008
'The Stupor Bowl'
 I am just going to come out and say it: I was hoping the Patriots won the Super Bowl last night.
Here's why. I like the Patriots and I'd have a lot less work to do this week if the Giants lost.
But the Giants won, and they are my second-favorite team, so it's not a total loss.
I watched the game at my cousin's house. He and his wife had about twenty people over for lots of food and lots of drink. It was fun.
For the most part, everyone knew one another and it was a fairly mellow crowd.
EXCEPT for the Uber Pats fan I'll call Amanda.
Amanda put the most obnoxious man fan to shame. She did the annoying over-extended clap--you know the clapping that turns into taunting and should have ended two minutes earlier?
She'd stand up, yell at just about every play, shout when things didn't go her way and even when they did. She paced, pulled her hair, made calls on her cell phone...
You get the picture.
It was overkill. At one point I wanted the Giants to win simply because I was starting to hate her.
And when the game finally ended, she did what the most obnoxious drunken man fan would never dare do...
SHE CRIED!! Sobbed for a good 10 minutes.
C'mon woman. There's no crying in football!
Share you comments here
2/1/2008
'Something Old, Something New and Something Borrowed'
If you are wondering why I haven't updated my blog in a few days, it's because I have been in Connecticut.
I am a new aunt!
 The New: Little Meghan. She was born on Jan. 31, but she came into the world way ahead of schedule. She was a month early, in fact, and she gave us all a bit of a scare because no one was prepared for her birth.
Not even my sister. Meghan will need to stay in the hospital for a few more days, but she and my sister are doing just fine.
The Borrowed: My aunt's computer so I can type this blog. It belongs in the Smithsonian but it works nonetheless.
The Old: The two cantankerous deli workers at Town Plot Supermarket. We were pounded by an ice storm this morning, but I eventually made it to the local supermarket in order to get my grandmother some bread and "cold cuts."
She was down to two loaves, so we needed to make an emergency bread run.
About 1/4 of a mile and 30 minutes later, I slid into the parking lot. You know you're no longer in NYC when the number of handicapped placards on Oldsmobile 88's far outweigh the number of city buses and people on foot.
Anyway, I made my way into the store past the hanging cheeses, pepperoni and mortadella and headed toward the bread isle.
I was told to get a specific kind of bread and believe me if I didn't, it'd be a disaster.
I grabbed one of the last few loaves of "Milities" unsliced bread and walked toward the deli...
I am so used to the long lines and hustle and bustle of NYC, so imagine how excited I was to see only two people ahead of me in line. I'll be out of here in a flash!
Or so I thought.
About three samples of wispride and crackers and 16 minutes later, my number was called.
 A 70-something, 4-foot-3 inch tall woman (pictured with cap) asked what I wanted (in a voice marked by years of hard living and unfiltered cigarettes).
"What can I get for you?"
"I'll have a half a pound of low-salt ham."
"The one I JUST PUT AWAY!?? (Apparently low-salt ham is a hot ticket item in this town.)
"Yes. Sorry."
As she walked toward the ham she huffed and puffed and muttered something under her breath to her near-identical twin making a "grinder" for the woman next to me -- a woman who was as clearly out of place in this store as I was.
Complete chaos nearly ensued when number "66" standing to my left said to cranky deli lady #2, "Excuse me. But how much mayonnaise are you putting on that bread?"
OH BOY. This should be good.
"There are two slices of bread here."
"Yes, but I don't want my son to die from high cholesterol."
"Well, you should've asked for less mayonnaise then."
See, in Manhattan that would've never happened. If you ordered a sandwich in NYC and said, "Excuse me. But how much mayonnaise are you putting on that sandwich?," you'd get completely ignored by the deli worker -- which is why things move at a much faster pace in the Big Apple.
I grabbed my half pound of Alpine Lace low-sodium cheese and headed toward the checkout.
As I was walking away, I managed to hear one last "For Godsakes it's only one slice," and I thought to myself, "I can't wait to get back to New York! We may be rude, but at least we're quick!"
Enjoy the SUPER BOWL!!
1/30/08
'How Do You Say?'
Q: What's more annoying than someone chatting incessantly on their cell phone on the bus?
A: Someone chatting incessantly in a foreign language on the bus.
 Here's last night's culprit caught in the act. I don't know what got her all fired up, but it was something!
She was yelling in her native tongue for the better part of 30 minutes.
Yelling!
At least if she spoke English, we'd be able to eavesdrop.
Although maybe it's better that way. I've heard enough of the following from fellow English-speaking passengers to last a lifetime!
Are you serious????
He did not say that.
Hello.
Did you really hook up?
DUDE, want to hang and have a few beers at my place?
Hello...Hello.
I'm serious. She is a BETCH.
Can You Hear Me?
SHUT UP!
Hello. Hello. Hello. Are you there?
Hello...
I'm like, no way and he's like yes, and I'm like I'm not going, and he's like yeah you are, and I'm like no I'm not...
I need to start plugging in my iPod more!
1/29/08
'Always a Bridesmaid'
Never a bride.
Well, not really "always." I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding last summer, and the maid of honor at my sister's wedding a zillion years ago.
So that's twice in 15 years. I know very little about weddings, and in fact, I am probably in the super-low demographic of women who have more interest in a chess tournament than in a wedding.
 So imagine my surprise when my cousin told me I'd be (along with her wedding party) in New Jersey Brides Magazine!
If I wasn't holding the publication in my not-so-hot purple little hands, (see previous 'The Big Chill' blog) I'd never believe it.
But it's true.
They were showcasing my cousin's florist and our flowers. And there I was. In the back of the wedding party, no flowers visible, but there nonetheless.
I have to admit the whole thing makes me laugh. I never had the fairytail wedding fantasy growing up, but I DID always dream of being lazy.
In fact, when a neighbor once asked me at the wee age of 8 what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said Retired! That is the God's honest truth.
Perhaps my stint in New Jersey Brides will lead to appearances in other unlikely magazines such as: "Happy Commuters,"
"Cat Lover's Digest," and "Right Wing and Proud."
Hey, you never know...
Share your comments here
1/28/08
'NKOTBWHY'
First The Spice Girls and now this!
 I read this report on Yahoo! today: They may no longer be new. They may no longer be kids. But NKOTB are out to prove they still have the right stuff.
New Kids on the Block, the prototypical boy band of the 1980s and early '90s that preceded the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync on the pop charts and in the pages of Tiger Beat, are reportedly on track to reunite.
Umm...OK
It's like this. Have you ever eaten something that wasn't very good, but you decided to save the leftovers to not be wasteful? The food was pretty sucky the first time, but maybe the second time around, after months of freezer burn, it will be good again?
It won't. And neither will the New Kids.
The "kids" now range in age from 35 to 40, but hey, maybe they've gotten better with age?
I was able to obtain a sneak peek at their Greatest Hit album called "Not So New Kids on the Block."
Here are some of the renamed and remastered songs that will be on the CD:
Old Title: Hangin' Tough
New Title: Everything Hangs Much Lower
Old Title: Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)
New Title: Did I Blow Your Mind? (I Can't Remember)
Old Title: Tonight
New Title: Please Not Tonight (I am Sooo Tired)
Old Title: This One's For the Children
New Title: This One's for My Grandkids
Old Title: Step by Step
New Title: Careful. Watch Your Step!
All of these songs will be available to download on "WhyTunes" soon.
Are you super excited about the NKOTB reunion? Let me know
1/24/08
'Seeing Triple'
Here are three stories that we covered today, about three separate individuals either accused of committing a crime or sentenced for committing one.
OK, do you see a pattern here?
James Madison, a.k.a. the 'Hat Bandit.' This guy was sentenced to 10 years in jail today for knocking off 10 banks in New Jersey.
Queens Councilman Dennis Gallagher. He was accused of raping a woman but the charges were dismissed today.
Bernard Kerik. A judge today disqualified the former New York City Police Commissioner's lawyer from representing him in his federal corruption case because of a potential conflict of interest.
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Was it something they ate? Or did they all go to the Dr. Phil School of Cosmetology?
Imagine if you had to pick one of these guys out in a line up!
1/23/08
'8 Lives Too Many'
In my opinion, Mother Nature is pretty right on about things: Nature, the food chain, Earth, etc.
Every living thing seems to serve a purpose, to help ensure the natural ebb and flow of life.
Except for cats.
Let me explain.
Cats hate water. Why? What other animals hate water? This makes it nearly impossible to groom them, so they "groom" themselves.
Which leads to my whole Mother Nature point: Why would an animal lick itself clean only to vomit the fur up at a later point? It seems like a colossal "Oops."
I mean, who is benefitting from this? Not the cat. And certainly not the cat's owner.
Perhaps a vacuum manufacturer? Seriously, that's all I can think of.
And ponder this. Have you ever heard of a movie called "That Darn Dog?" Nope. But I bet you've heard of "That Darn Cat."
Rin Tin Tin. Lassie. Benji. All dogs.
Man's best friend? Not a cat.
OK I've made my point. And if you haven't figured it out by now, I share my house with a cat, but not by choice. He came with my girlfriend.
Pet baggage if you will.
Last night, I was jolted from a not-so-deep sleep by a loud noise.
Since I had just gone to bed, I knew it wasn't a mass murderer breaking in to my apartment. I knew it was the cat.
And sure enough "Vern" was running away like his ass was on fire leaving a 32 oz Nalgene water bottle that he knocked off the counter in his wake.
 The part that makes me crazy? Not the plastic water bottle falling to the ground, but the stupid look on the cat's face every time he does something he shouldn't -- that quizzical "what the hell just happened?" expression.
EVERY TIME.
(Vern pictured, undoubtedly somewhere he shouldn't be)
Vern's midnight mischief and this article that appeared in the AP wires today only solidify my contempt for felines:
Cat Stowaway Makes It Home Again
Some kitty math: How many lives did little tabby Gracie Mae use up when she crawled into her owner's suitcase, went through an airport X-ray machine, got loaded onto a plane, thrown onto a baggage belt and mistakenly picked up by a stranger far from home?
"She's got to be at four or five now," Seth Levy said after his 10-month-old pet was returned Sunday night by a kind stranger who went home to Fort Worth, Texas, with the wrong bag and Gracie inside to boot. The last time Levy's wife, Kelly, saw Gracie was before she took her husband to the airport. The 24-year-old went back to her house in Palm Beach Gardens late Friday to find the bottom step, where Gracie would usually be waiting, empty.
She tore the house apart looking for the cat. She and her dad took out bathroom tiles and part of a cabinet to check a crawl space (Umm.. a bit much no?) and papered the neighborhood with "lost cat" signs.
Then she got a phone call. "Hi, you're not going to believe this, but I am calling from Fort Worth, Texas, and I accidentally picked up your husband's luggage. And when I opened the luggage, a cat jumped out," Kelly Levy quoted the caller saying.
Rob Carter said he made it home with the suitcase before realizing it wasn't his - and there was a big surprise inside."I went to unpack and saw some of the clothes and saw it wasn't my suitcase," he said. "I was going to close it, and a kitten jumped out and ran under the bed. I screamed like a little girl." Carter said that he eventually was able to get the cat to come out from under the bed.
I rest my case! On top of everything, the stupid cat had the nerve to hide under the bed.
And I am willing to wager that "Gracie" had the same quizzical look on her face that Vern always has.
So when does curiosity actually KILL the cat? I am still waiting...
Are you a cat or dog person? Let me know
1/22/08
'Rules are Rules'
Despite the cold temps, I took my dog Nick for a long walk on Sunday. He seems to be immune from the cold, and we could both use the exercise, so why not?
We decided to take a walk behind new luxury condos along the "water."
Our first stop was at a nearby dog run to play fetch for a few moments. While waiting for Nick to retrieve what seemed  like the zillionth toss of his tennis ball, I spotted this sign:
"No Bathing." Does it really say that?
Remember the water I was telling you about? Well it's the HUDSON RIVER!
The only people taking baths in the Hudson are those who haven't made good on their debts to "Vinnie Two Fingers" if you know what I mean.
But thank God I saw that sign because I was just about to abandon the dog and jump in to freshen up after our walk.
I know it's tempting, but folks, the next time you pass by the Hudson River and are feeling a bit unclean, please hold back the urge to jump in with a bar of Dial -- rules are rules!!
P.S. This applies to those of you who insist on using a hair dryer in the bath tub.
1/18/08
'Unhipster'
Today is Friday. Yay.
I was pretty tired when I woke up this morning, so I figured I'd catch some zzzzs on the bus.
Wishful thinking.
The bus was on time today and there were plenty of seats, so I was feeling pretty good.
I made my way toward the back of the bus where it was less crowded, figuring this should help me in my quest for 20 or so minutes of shut eye.
As I settled into my seat and closed my eyes, I thought to myself, as much bitching as I do about my commute, this isn't so bad.
As usual, I spoke too soon.
A cell phone rang. One of those obnoxious ringtones -- not the song by the original artist but a rip off version -- like the kind they use in low budget movies and soap operas.
I have no idea what the song was, but it didn't matter. I was awake.
The annoying ringtone was coming from the woman's purse directly behind me. A good six rings later, she answered her phone.
What came out of her mouth was so ridiculous, I felt compelled to share it with you.
She said hello, followed by "What's Up My Dog."
I turned around to see what the uncoolest person on Earth looked like and was shocked to see a petite red-headed woman in her late forties, early fifties.
I slumped back into my seat and thought to myself, "At what age should we stop trying to be hip?"
In fact, some of us should never start in the first place!
What's even more shocking than a grown woman saying "What's Up My Dog," is that she appeared to be on a business call since she started talking about missing inventory and conference calls.
Since there was no way I was going to get any sleep, I started to imagine where she worked and how the receptionist would answer their phone:
Receptionist: Cool Beans Enterprises. How May I Direct Your Call?
Caller: What's Up? I'm looking for Mr. Smith.
Receptionist: Mr. Smith is off like a prom dress. But gimme the 411 and I'll hook you up with his peeps.
Caller: Word
Ok, someone please gag me with a spoon!
Sound like anyone you know? Share your comments here
1/17/08
'Way Off Broadway'
Come on Down! You're the next person to see the Drowsy Chaperone!
Allow me to explain.
While walking to work yesterday, I found myself smack dab in the middle of a bunch of highschoolers touring the Big Apple.
Lucky me. I know.
Somehow I managed to make my way to the front of the group. While waiting to cross the street, I overheard two adults, teachers I assumed, say the following:
Teacher #1: Do you know what is playing on Broadway?
Teacher #2: No. What?
Teacher #1: Cyrano de Bergerac (FYI., it ended its run already, but I did not interrupt)
Teacher #2: It is? Wow. Hey, do you know what play I really wanted to see but is no longer playing?
Teacher #1: No. What?
 Teacher #2: The Drowsy Chaperone. I borrowed a friend's soundtrack and was cracking up. The soundtrack was really funny.
Teacher # 1: Really?
Teacher # 2: Yes. And do you know who was starring in it?
Teacher # 1: No. Who?
Teacher # 2: That guy Bob Barker.
BOB BARKER?? 84-year-old Bob Barker who just retired from the Price is Right?
Teacher #1: Wow. I did not know that. Of course you didn't because it was Bob Saget, you dumb ass!
Just as I was about to turn around and say, "Excuse me, but what planet are the two of you from, and can you please tell me the name of your school so I will make sure to NEVER send my kids there," the walk signal changed.
I just hope they didn't get themselves spayed and neutered for Bob's sake.
Or as a reader brilliantly pointed out, these two should have gotten spayed and neutered to no longer reproduce!
Feel free to post a comment here
1/16/08
'Polly Wanna Vomit?'
What do you want to be when you grow up boys and girls?
A BIRD CAGE CLEANER!
I bet teachers never got that as a response. Unless, of course, they taught this guy...
 I found this sign last night on bus stop kiosk alongside several ads hawking (pun intended) various goods and services.
In case you can't read the sign, it says "Bird Cage Cleaner!! No Job Too Big or Too Small. Your Bird Will Thank You."
OK, I get that people will do just about anything to make a buck, but this guy seems way too excited over the prospect of cleaning bird excrement from strangers' homes (notice the double exclamation marks).
And does he really need to list various types of birds? I sincerely doubt he's got a lot of competition out there, and if you're going to clean bird cages for a living, are you really going to be picky?
I'm sorry ma'am, but I only clean parrot cages.
But I have a cockatoo??!
That will be extra.
I'd think just about all birds would be covered, no?
And what's with the "no job too small" part? I mean, how much do birds crap anyway?
Seriously?
Feel free to share your comments here
1/15/08
'Doo the Right Thing'
1/15/2008
I like presents as much as the next person. I also like surprises.
 Except when they are smack dab in front of my stoop and rhyme with Log Chit.
Yep. Someone walked their dog, let it POOP on the street right in front of someone's home (mine) and just walked away! (actual photo)
You may ask, "How do you know that this wasn't the work of a stray dog?" Because, there are hardly any strays in my neighborhood, and judging by the size of the poo, it couldn't have come from anything larger than a poodle.
And when is the last time you saw a stray poodle roaming the streets?
I have a dog, and believe me, there are zillions of times I'd prefer to just walk away and not pick up after him. However, since we are all sharing the town -- and the world for that matter -- it would be gross, irresponsible and just PLAIN RUDE to not pick up after your dog.
What's worse is that since the doggie doo is right outside my building, my neighbors probably assume it was my dog Nick!
So here's what I'd like to say to the poop-and-runners: If you own a dog and are walking him/her in public, take 10 seconds to pick up after them. You'll be doing the rest of us a favor, and who knows, may avoid the humiliation of having your picture posted on this blog someday.
I am not kidding.
11/14/2008
'Homepage Is Where the Heart Is'
There really is no place like home. This fact became more clear to me yesterday when I went home to CT for a family reunion of sorts.
Well, it was more of a "let's invite some of our relatives over that we don't see that often so we have an excuse to eat and drink tons of food."
As if we need an excuse.
There was a total of 16 people at our soiree. My aunt cooked enough food -- not for a small army -- but enough to feed the entire armed forces of the U.S., Britain and all of our allies combined!
After sampling two lasagnas, one ham, chicken, meatballs, sausage, bread, cheesecake and apple pie, we sat down to dinner.
OK I exaggerate. The apple pie and cheesecake were for dessert. But you get the point.
Then being typical Italians, we drank my uncle's homemade wine and started gambling. If you've never played the dice game LCR, I highly recommend it.
All kidding aside, it was a fantastic day. I got to see really great relatives I hadn't seen in a while, and hang out with the family that I adore.
The best part of the evening though? Seeing the smile of my grandfather's face? Nope.
Hanging out with my family and eating delicious food? Not quite...
 The highlight was, by far, when my cousin and I set my staunch Republican uncle's homepage to HillaryClinton.com
(I captured our sinister act with cell my phone).
If only I could've been there to see his face.
See, he doesn't just dislike Hillary Clinton ... he HATES her.
H-A-T-E-S her. In fact, I think Rush Limbaugh and all of the other candidates running for President COMBINED dislike her less than my uncle does.
That, coupled with the fact that we knew he'd never figure out how to set his homepage back to Yahoo, made it hysterically funny.
Or was it all of the homemade wine?
One expletive-filled phone call later, we helped him set it back.
I just hope his "Team Hillary" T-shirt fits!
1/11/08
'S Is for Stupid'
OK, just when I thought we were going to get a break from O.J. Simpson for a while, this crossed the wires today:
 O.J.Simpson is in custody in Florida on allegations that he violated terms of his release on bail in a Las Vegas armed robbery case, a court official said Friday.
That story made me ponder the following: Does having the last name Simpson automatically make you a moron?
Let's see.
There's Jessica
'Nuff said...
Her sister Ashlee
 Who can forget her infamous SNL lip-sync debacle?
Or this fabulous follow-up?
And then there's Homer
Need I say more?
Although this guy is on the longest running sitcom in TV history and has made a lot of dough from "D'oh!" so maybe he's no dummy after all!
1/10/08
'Pet Regret?'
 Happy Birthday to my dog Nick. He is 4 years old today.
Nick was "rescued" from a pet store in Beverly Hills in 2004, and I can't help but wonder if the little guy is resentful.
I wonder if he ever thinks to himself -- especially on frigid cold days: I could've been in Beverly Hills... living in a mansion...eating filet mignon. Who knows, maybe Lindsay or Paris would've stumbled in to buy me and I'd be on TMZ! But no, I am in NEW JERSEY. When I have to go somewhere, I don't have a driver take me around in a Bentley -- I get stuck in a bag on the PATH train, or worse, the bus...
Nevertheless, he is loved a ton and seems to enjoy his little dog life very much.
Happy birthday little buddy!
1/9/08
'Things That Make Me Go Hmmm'
Cats. They don't come when you call them. They make super strange noises when they are about to vomit, and you can't take them for walks or rides.
Willard Scott. I think it's about time he stopped referring to himself as "Uncle Willard." No?
Slow fumblers. Let me explain. These are the people who are standing in front of you in the bus line for what seems to be an eternity. The bus finally comes, Hallelujah, and they start to fumble frantically for their ticket/money. WHY didn't they do that already?
People who send text messages during movies. Did you spend $10.50 just to annoy the rest of us?
People who say they are going to name their child one name just to call it another. My mom said she named me Billie Jo so people would call me BJ (Ok, chuckle all you want). But why? Not to mention I have suffered years of abuse over THAT nickname. Thanks so much, mom.
I mean, if you want to call Christina "Tina," why not just name her Tina?
And speaking of names, why is Peggy short for Margaret? Seriously...
People who wind up as if they are going to deliver the mother of all sneezes and then let out a barely audible a choo (co-worker Marta).
People who get all fired up and spend a large part of their day (and yours) trying to convince you that they really "could care less" about something. Hello? You do care. A LOT.
People who get their hair cut by stylists who have no sense of style whatsoever. Umm, if their hair looks like crap, what do you think yours will look like?
1/8/08
'Can't We All Just Get Along'
I've been writing this blog for a few weeks now, and it's been fun. I particularly enjoy getting feedback from our readers. Most enjoy a good laugh and say they can relate -- especially when it comes to commuting into the city.
I said most...
Here is my favorite user comment from today:
Get a Life
Your comments suck. I'd rather read about Brit's last vagina sighting. And if you don't like how I sit on the train, MOVE.
Nice! A fan.
Posted, no doubt, from one of the annoying males who hog up way too much seat space -- the inspiration for this blog.
To you sir, I say: Thank you for taking time to scroll to the near bottom of this Web site, find my blog and read all of my "sucky" comments.
This is for you |
